Wednesday, February 02, 2005


Ground Hog's Day Report From the Pentagon

Intelligence on Punxsutawney Phil

Pentagon and intelligence services spokesmen could neither confirm nor deny that the operative known as "Phil" located in Pennsylvania did or did not in fact see a shadow.

"We can neither confirm nor deny reports of a early spring," reported Captain McSweeney, "We do know that there are things we don't know, like the capability of Phil to even see his shadow."

McSweeney's comments came just days after a CIA report indicating that there was evidence of winter extending well into July. "This is the same intelligence that the Clinton Administration had" noted an unnamed source at the CIA.

President Bush noted that regardless of the challenges, "[I]t is our moral duty to spread freedom and democracy around the world, which in turn will promote a spring like climate of personal liberty." He then issued an order to dispatch two brigades of the Army of Compassion to place fake tulips in snowbanks around the country.

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