Wednesday, January 11, 2006


The Wingnut Index

Mama, Mama We're All Crazy Now...

Well, it has come to this. Listening to the Alito hearings and generally absorbing news throughout the day I've come to the conclusion that just about everyone in a position of power is an idiot. There's no ideological bent with a monopoly on moronism. So, to memorize and measure this growing phenomena, I've devised the Wingnut index. It's a completely arbitrary way to measure the level of sheer stupidity coming from those who have far too much power and get paid way too much.

The format is quite easy. We simply find stupid stuff people say or believe, place that person on the left side or the right side of the equation and measure. To keep it simple we'll be measuring lefty opinions in units called "Frankens" and likewise the right side in units called "O'Riely's". That way we can conveniently measure the ongoing decline of Western Civilization. Of course this would all be much prettier if I had any knowledge of adobe photoshop...but that will come with time. For now we'll just have to cope with what I can bang out in my pirated version from Beijing where all the directions are in Mandrin.

Here we go: Current Status: Draw -

I'd like to declare a winner, ties are so soccer and soccer of course is a communist sport. But alas, everyone is an idiot this week. First we get Pat Robertson claiming that God personally turned Ariel Sharon into the human equivalent of broccoli because he 'split God's Land". Yep, if you believe Pat, you God is truly powerful as he can help reality show contestants and strike down world leaders at the same time. Pat has great company on the right this week with Robert Knight of Concerned Women of America (Who I'm generally concerned about as Robert appears to know..a man). Mr. Knight and his forces claim that Barbie promotes transgenderism because of some website survey by Mattel. Yup, Barbie and her molded plastic 'area' probably was the tipping point for them, I mean Mattel could have prettied it up with some of that old-school GI Joe beard fuzz or something...err...Anyway.

On the left we have Sean Penn. Mr. Penn cannot quit smoking because of George Bush. (Funny that's why I can't quit smoking too!). We all connected with that Sean, but doesn't it, in some way, undercut the left's arguments about Bush's environmental know with you puffing all that carbon into the atmosphere? Wuss! And of course there's the ever sanctimonious Ted Kennedy who attacked aspiring Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito for once, perhaps belonging to Concerned Something Alumni, who at some point or another was anti-woman and/or black. Now there's no evidence that Mr. Alito was an active member of this group at the time these views are alleged, and it's not like he was driving around drunk and killed someone (cough-Chapaquidick-cough)...AND it's not like this is a smoking gun like lets say holding the belief in unlimited executive power or something. In short, Ted if this is the best you can come up with against Mr. Alito (with whom I'm not enamored) then let's just get him his robe and forget about it.

Final Score: ON THE LEFT 4 Sean Penns + 3 Bloated Kennedy's = 5.35 Frankens
ON THE RIGHT 4 Brother Pats +10 Robert Knights = 5.45 O'Riely's

Of course I'm forgetting about Harry Belafonte, but he's neither famous nor powerful... Day-O!

Perhaps in the future this index will be wry, funny and even intelligible...but for now it's the best I can do...
(And it still beats the ultra-lame Eric Pfeiffer who is ruining Wonkette!)....

(And another thing- I've spelled a bunch of stuff wrong in this post, but I'm just following CNN's lead as checking things like spelling and facts is just to damned hard - Good Day Sir!)

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